aspiration complication.......

As I continue my search for employment I am getting a feel of what I really wanna do with myself......while searching for a job so that I can make money in the meantime. As much as I want to do great things with myself professionally, whatever I am granted success in will never be worth my holidays, family gatherings and vacations with my husband. Even though we all do it, I don't think any job is worth sacrificing those events. I'm sure nothing I could do in the office could top my first trip to Europe or come close to beholding the ancient pyramids with my own eyes. In the grand scheme of things my job will always ultimately be that thing I do so that I can do everything else. I have big aspirations for my career, but bigger aspirations for my life.

Great Expectations.....

How was life before movies? Really. Movies have set the standard for how we gage our lives. Disney single handedly shaped our expectations of love. What did people expect out of love before Disney? Left to their own devices, with no outside influences, was life any different? What did women expect out of a relationship before they knew they could be "swept off their feet" or "carried off into the sunset." Disney could have single-handedly killed relationships because he gave women too many expectations. And you know how I feel about expectations, they are the biggest buzz kill you could ever bestow on a relationship and a successful relationship is best made without them. The minute you expect something out of someone you are ruining a good thing. If what you expected to happen manifests itself then great! But when it doesn't you have given yourself unnecessary disappointment and created doubt in your other half. But ALWAYS expect great things in yourself, because if no one ever had great expectations for themselves we wouldn't have the movies. And even though they blur the lines between fantasy and reality they help us to dream....and I have nothing against dreaming.

suck it grocery store

Today I battled my most hated nemesis again.....the grocery store, with the added obstacle of rain. As I wiggled in between my car and the one next to it parked incredibly too close, trying not to rub my clean jeans against this guys passenger door coated in damp red dirt, I had my usual thought...."Why isn't someone doing this for me?" I thought that if my husband had made this trip he wouldn't be having as much trouble as I was. He wouldn't be struggling to see through the raincoat hood that was sheltering styled hair, or shuffling as fast as he could on wet concrete in heels, or struggling with the weight of his purchase and falling bra straps. Is it hard because I'm a girl? Or is it hard because I make it hard? Grocery shopping is always a struggle for me and today it extra sucked. It was supposed to rain all day today but it only ended up raining for about half an hour.....the half an hour I went to the store.

Bank Tell All

Has anyone ever applied for a job at a bank? It almost isn't worth the guarantee of having Sundays and all government holidays off. I applied for a teller position yesterday and after I uploaded my resume AS WELL as entered my entire job history from the past 3 years I began their "survey." This is never a "survey" or a "questionnaire," it is a test. A previous bank I had applied to had a "survey" of 65 questions, which was work enough, but the bank I was applying to yesterday fed me a "survey" of 106 questions! It was everything from a psychological profile to an algebra review. It took me an hour and a half and by the time I finished all the stupid bank's application requirements I didn't even want the job anymore. But I did experience a feeling I haven't felt in years. The post test - self-esteem took a hit - brain is tired - what the FRIK was that - feeling.


Hi Christie, Candice, Hailey and Leanne. Thanks for reading!

Time.......

Time has become a slippery, tricky, beast of a thing lately. The seasons can't even keep up seeing as how we had a blizzard on the first day of spring today. And since we are all eager for a change of scenery this was the extra pinch of discouragement on the mound of cabin fever we are trying to brush off our shoulders. As another and another and another day passes and I still don't have the super human ability to stop time so that I can do some catch up work, I actually get increasingly annoyed. I don't expect the world to stop turning but for goodness sake......could it meet me in the middle somewhere? As I was pounding the elyptical and contimplating this whole subject I realized time does stand still, in one place.......our hearts. Time can freeze for years in there and we don't have any more control over what files itself away than we have control over the seasons.....however confused they may be. But what's there stays until you can catch up to it, and only when you fully grasp what's in your heart will you be able to move on. And THAT is how I wish I could live my days, with time to catch my breath. I get it though. We need to be on someone else's ticker, because if we weren't we'd all be a bloody mess. (sry I watched a Harry Potter marathon today)

Jobs....

I think you can always file "looking for a job" as low points in your life. It's like as soon as you're single everyone seems to be paired up, and as soon as you're unemployed even the least likely to be working are. You feel left out, useless, unproductive and invisible so of course selling yourself to employers is something you are in tip top shape to do. It seems weird that a complete stranger has the authority to bestow a paycheck upon you when they aren't even evaluating you on the traits that matter. It isn't enough to ask them for a position because you are trapped in a society that runs on money which is, when you get down to it, the only reason you are seeking employment. No, you must sugar coat your enthusiasm for some minimum wage position and convince the interviewer that you're wearing the same rose colored glasses as they are. In short, I guess, I'm just tired of all the niceities about necessities. You need a job and you'll work hard so that you can enjoy the more important things in life. That's all there should be to it.

St. Patties

I find St. Patrick's Day an obnoxious holiday. I don't like to be told to wear green, I would prefer that be my choice. But if I don't my punishment is death by pinching. I don't like things that turn my mouth colors. I never liked those paintbrush lollipops or blue sno-cones so I certainly don't fancy green beer. Does this make me a square? Quite possibly. But what's new? I am a fan, however, of excuses to drink so the day isn't a complete loss. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Today I was eating lunch on my big over sized chair watching TV when a termite commercial come on presenting it's first image of a close up of a queen termite and her engorged thorax 3 times the size of her body dumping out eggs. Having a mouthful of reduced calorie lasagna this sends me into a panic. What my eyes were seeing in combination with what was in my mouth and being completely grossed out but still chewing out of pure reflex at this point. The assault on my late lunch continued for an entire minute. What are these ad people thinking?! That's not the only gross out commercial cruising the air waves. Those NyQuil ads with people gurgling and drooling in their sleep are atrocious as well. Know your audience. Americans are the fattest and laziest people on the planet OF COURSE we are going to be eating in front of the TV at one point. Is nothing safe anymore?! Sheesh.

Kilgore...only good for mini-vacay

I have been on a press tour of sorts for the past week. Wedding to see college friends, then Dallas to spend time with sisters, lunch to catch up with a friend who just got married, on to Kilgore to see parents and friends with new babies, and a stop in Tyler to see another college friend's new place. Oklahoma is a fair bit of a drive so I figured if I was coming down I might as well cover all my bases. It's always nice to be back in Texas, no one stares at my Driver's License like it's a stinkin passport. I am currently in Kilgore and and every time I come home from wherever I might be doing my living the town seems to be getting smaller, not in size....just smaller. I did the "rounds" with my mother, she took me to all the little stores on Main Street in downtown. I was incredibly impressed with the the stuff my sleepy town had to offer since I'd been gone. Who couldn't love a shop who sold me the sparkliest beeswax candlesticks I have ever seen! They come complete with a pair of my husband's rolled eyes I'm sure. The thing I love most about visiting Kilgore is my parent's house, the best thing about it is the silence. The peacefulness is so intoxicating that I don't search for the remote, I rummage through my mom's book cases for a book to read and enjoy the sun pouring through her picture windows. But as much as I have respect for the people who enjoy this sweet town, the best thing about visiting Kilgore for me......is leaving it.

19 year me would be dissapointed in 25 year old me......

It's that time for spring break again, I had totally forgotten. When I was in college I never had the money to go on your typical spring break bonanza. My parents paid for my college but not for a spring break....I was terribly deprived. (kidding) Since I never went on a spring break I lived vicariously through all those kids on MTV and thought that all that craziness at spring break must be the most fun ever. I just flipped through the channels and came across the annual MTV spring break coverage and it was as typical as any year but now it didn't seem like such a rootin tootin time to me. It looked like a bunch of hot sweaty people probably reeking of beer crammed into a ridiculously small space jamming to music that's way too loud. It was one of those moments when I was blindsided by my own dullness. But all those things at spring break are things I don't need anymore. I don't need the loud mediocre live music, there is enough going on in my head. I don't need sweaty drunk guys hitting on me, I already have one. What I DO need is a serene stretch of beach with a chair and fruity drink......and a pretty summer dress wouldn't hurt either.

Erin Rationalpants

I have always had a very rational mind. I have to have everything figured out, there must be a method to the madness. I have this memory when I was maybe 4 and I walked out in the backyard with my mother without a shirt on and she told me I couldn't be outside without a shirt. "My dad goes outside without a shirt," I thought to myself, "Why in the world can't I? Directions are very black and white to me, I have always been very diligent at following the rules. Once when when I was around 12 or so we went to the butterfly pavilion at the Houston Natural History Museum and we were briefed beforehand about watching where you walk so that you don't step on the butterflies because they are very delicate. I focused so hard on watching where I stepped that the only thing I remember of that trip was how humid it was and the image of my feet walking on the pavement making sure not to harm any butterflies. I never did well in math because my teachers could never give me a good reason why we go about solving problems in the sequence we do.....that's just the way it was and I always thought that was ludicrous. I routinely watch all bonus features after a movie to know exactly how they did it all. I even ask how stuff works at the doctor's office. The only thing I have no desire to figure out are automobiles. I could care less why it's broken I just want it fixed. I need to befriend a good mechanic, that and a hair stylist. Because you are always looking for trustworthy people to fix your car and cut your hair.

Hoarders.....

I saw ANOTHER commercial for that "Hoarders" show today and had the usual reaction......disgust. What in the world possesses these people to hold onto so many things that it's stacked so high their windows no longer bring in natural light and clearing a path is the only way to navigate their home? But then I thought, most of us might not have all the visible clutter but we are still hoarders....emotional hoarders. Call it holding a grudge or a complete disregard for forgiving and forgetting but some of us never throw feelings away and that's just as disgusting as the other hoarders. If only our hearts were as easy to de-clutter as our homes. (sigh) It is spring cleaning time anyway, and I bet letting in some light would do us all some good.

DWTS.......

I jokingly commented on Facebook today that I was gonna be on Dancing With The Stars because Erin Andrews the sports reporter is set to be on the upcoming season and Andrews is my married name.....which was lots of fun when she was going through her scandal. A friend of mine saw my status and believed it to be true, after a few text messages the misunderstanding was cleared up but it made me think. I couldn't be further from being on Dancing With The Stars because first I would have to become famous to be a has-been....and that could take years. I replied to my friend's inquiring text with, "Nothing that eventful would happen in my life." And as soon as I typed it I felt very sad. That's the kind of comment that musters up that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Besides the fact that I hate Dancing With The Stars and the only time I watched it was that summer I had rabbit ears and could only get one channel, if I ever was a has-been I'd probably do it because I like to dance too much......and could probably loose the 30 pounds.

I take what I can get.....

One of the apps I downloaded on my new magic iPhone was a superficially indulgent Bergdorf Goodman shoe app. You get to practically window shop a different shoe everyday so the set up is perfect seeing as how I could never afford any of them. Today's shoe was a Manolo camel colored penny loafer that looked exactly like the ones I bought from Payless when I was 9. Who wears this shoe.....Park Avenue librarians? And here's the kicker, they cost $650. They are loafers, Manolo should reduce the price for lack of creativity. Now I can justify spending crazy amounts of money on clothes but if I ever dropped $600 on loafers I don't think I'd have a leg to stand on. Unless I was one of those Park Avenue librarians....and they made my new glasses look awesome or something.